OK, I gotta deal with this. The big event's coming up and Wednesday's already been declared a holiday in Pakistan. In India, where we do things more deviously, it's National Sick Leave Day. Those who just cannot manage to catch AIDS or a fleeting cancer in time for the match will have to fill applications in triplicate to be part of National Live Stream Day.
Warning: Do not tweet links to good live stream sites. They will collapse. Trust me, I know.
So, anyway, the good citizens of India are doing all they can to ensure victory:
They are breaking coconuts on their own heads.
They are taking vows not to cut their nails for another 20 years
... even if it means not wiping arse for as long.
They're refusing to trim their super luxuriant ear hair etc, etc.
All of which goes to show that we are a nation of nutters... that sometimes plays good cricket.
Our esteemed prime minister in a fit of March madness has invited his counterpart Monsieur Gilani to occupy really bloody good seats at Mohali. If either of them gets shot it will be by someone who's been parked in Chandigarh for the last week and still hasn't managed a ticket for himself.
"Where's the toilet, yaar?"
Other worthies who might be at the stadium include
LK Advani, whose been denied his er birthright,
Narendra Modi, Supreme Commander of, well, never mind,
and Rahul Gandhi, who looks set to be done out of his birthright
Aside: Sometimes God himself decides to throw on a turban. But mostly he wears his halo when he's playing so that's okay.
Also lurking in the crowd is Saeed Naqvi,
"I swear the knife in my back was that big"
Assange in Goldilocks avatar (He is Aussie, ok, he knows about cricket),
and Veena Malik and Ashmit Patel in burkhas so they can get boso kinar, whatever that means.
Meanwhile, in the press room, Chunnu and Munnu are putting on the show of their lives.
Both are of course, tattiing in their pants. If Pakistan doesn't win
a public lashing awaits.
If India doesn't win
some rioting, destruction of public property and general mc-bcgiri awaits.
The only thing that can save the ah honour of the two countries now is if some shady deal is done.
Oops, I didn't mean that. No, seriously, I didn't. PC was supposed to turn up in the list of peeps occupying the best seats at government expense.
Oh, OK, he's decided to stand throughout instead. Good show.
Meanwhile, Pak interior minister Rehman Malik is missing ALL the fun cos he's personally gathering intelligence on the Pakistani cricketers and the "position of their telephones".
What can I say, I'm shitting bored of the whole damn thing already!
Nope, nope, nope, Manjula Narayan hasn't clicked any of these pictures. She's shamelessly pulled them off the net and bunged in the words. Gawd knows, with this tension, she needs all the damn laughs she can get.